SO MUCH

Becky Mocarski | 12 January, 2021


          
            SO MUCH

SO MUCH. She hung back longer than usual picking up her mat and bag. When everyone had gone she came to me and said thru tears she might not be in class for awhile.

She had lost the love of her life.

She told me a story of two people who fell in love but went their separate ways, marrying, having children, and living a full life. Years later they reconnected and picked up where they left off. They knew each other inside and out and I could tell that her heart was currently shattered into a million pieces.

The week before they had eaten dinner together and she had come to him to say goodbye for the night. He sat- in an agonizing amount of back pain like he had for so long- and said 'I love you' Then took her face in his hands and added '....SO MUCH.' She was confused, laughed slightly and said 'I love you too.....so much.' He never woke up the next morning.

His SO MUCH was his goodbye. He didn't know how else to say it. He loved her fiercely and wanted nothing but happiness for her. She struggled coming to yoga for weeks after because he was the one who bought her all her workout gear because he knew how much it meant to her.

She recently told me she was blessed to have had it, sad to have lost him, and so grateful.

SO MUCH is going on with all of our lives. There is SO MUCH to be grateful for and so many reminders linked to pain and grief. A workout top. A face pressed between two hands. I am sorry for any loss anyone has to go thru and yet SO MUCH of this story reminds me of how strong and yet soft we all are. We are the SO MUCH and everything in between. You can be all the emotions. It is allowed. You can have joy during this time as well as anger. Your SO MUCH will look different from mine. That's okay.

You are loved. You were meant to have hands that hold your face. Be gentle to yourself and others who may have SO MUCH going on that they don't tell you.

I am made SO MUCH better by the story she shared with me. ❤️.